I just did something I’ve never done before. I deleted a tweet. You can guess which one.

I’d left it up because it’s a legitimate part of the record of my actions and communications, and while I’d preferred, on an emotional level, to delete it, I thought it mattered to leave it up as a part of the integrity of the whole debacle. I advocate for owning your shit, and so I was trying to do that.

But I’m done trying with this instance. The people who want to crucify me have it in screenshots. It’s cached wherever it is that the internet powers cache things. And I’m tired of making it yet easier for people to snipe at me, so it’s gone. Ask each other for copies of the screenshots if you need it, or screenshot it out of the post in which I apologize for saying it. Have at it.

The thing that I find most frustrating and disheartening is that yes, I said a crass and offensive thing about librarians. I’ve said equally crass and offensive things about my ex-husband, politicians, helicopter parents, anti-vaccine activists, American voters, Karl Rove, anti-environmentalists, racists, birthers, drug lords, child abusers, anti-choice activists, Westboro Baptist Church, you name it, if I feel passionate about it, I’ve been pissed off about it. And I’m passionate about libraries and librarianship. And I was pissed off. The difference is that in this instance I was angry and publicly vocal, I was angry and publicly vocal about my own profession, and I was angry and publicly vocal about my own profession before I spent any time figuring out what the underlying issues were. Any one of those three steps is my point of failure. I screwed up more than once, there.  And then I admitted it and apologized.

This is, apparently, not enough, and here’s where my frustration and disheartenment come in. Apparently it’s not enough to acknowledge that you screwed up, and apologize for it. Apparently, I need to do something more.

What that might be, I have no damn clue.

And at this point, I’m not inclined to care. There is no discourse here. There is no integrity. So to hell with it. Tweet deleted. Apology uttered into the vasty deeps of the internet. Accept it if you will, or keep posting screenshots and anger if you won’t.

May we all emerge better people tomorrow, and learn from our mistakes.